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Yesterday was an amazing day for me.  Not for any particularly profound reason…actually yes, it was a very profound reason.  Yesterday, after just over 2 years of spinning, I finished the Intentions fibers.  Remember these ?

ImageImage

Yup.  All (nearly) done.  The last two, Perserverence and Strength are still on the bobbins waiting to be plied, hence the nearing/nearly completion/done parts but still, I cannot convey to you the feelings of…Power?  Amazingness?  Fulfillment?  Relief?  Emptiness?  Just the feelings that are flowing thru me right now.  For the first time in 2 years, I have an empty wheel and no idea what I want to (and that WANT is a new feeling too, far different from the ‘need’ to move to the next fiber in the series) put on it.  Those last two should sit for a few days, plenty of time for a whole new bump to slide through my fingers, but I haven’t a real idea what I want to spin next.  I’ve looked at my stash and picked up and put down bumps and braids countless times, all with the feeling of “Yes…No…Meh…No…Yes”.

For the most part, I took photos and jotted notes of my Intentional Journey along the way.  “Joy” is the exception to that rule.  I must have been so joy-ful in my spinning that I got wrapped up and clearly forgot to photograph anything except the finished yarn!  For a while there, I was posting the process and the photos here on the blog.  And then I moved and life got in the way and now I have a backlog that I am getting through 🙂  In the next few weeks, look forward to those posts and photos here, as well as my pleas for pattern ideas as what to do with the yarns themselves.

I must have been nuts to think I could do it all, and think mindfully about each, in a year.

3.75 pounds of Superwash BFL. 15 different colourways. 24 months.  Intentional thoughts and spinning.

I am so pleased with myself.

Instead of launching into a mass of reasons why I haven’t posted, what has been going on with me and my general life status; it should suffice to say that I have been floundering in an ocean of depression, have taken many mouthfuls of brackish water, dodged the flotsam and jetsam of plans, saved all the wool, planted a long awaited garden and finally, finally learnt to swim again.

 The Wool:

A trio of socks; blue for me, boy colours for the boy.

     

A shawl.  More specifically The Jubilee Year Shawl

…which I am calling “Happiness” both because it is making me very happy to use this skein of Noro Kureyon Sock yarn (188) which I have had in my stash since 2008 or so and happy because I finally feel like I have found the true calling for this yarn.  It has tried to be socks and mittens and a hat and none of those things looked…right.  And then I found this pattern purely by chance and it is perfect.

What you aren’t seeing in this wool section is something that is done and gone and I, being the forgetful Auntie that I am, forgot to take photos of said items first.  I made my new nephew (RGB) 12 single socks from KP’s Imagination and then knit him blanket squared with the remaining 22g of the skein.  Actually, what I did was a bit more complicated than that…I wound each 50g skein into a ball, knit a single baby sock using my standard baby sock pattern, weighed the remaining and split it into 2 22g balls.  I then used 22g to knit RGB’s baby blanket.  What you see here is the second 22g knit into mitered squares with a bundle left over on top.  As I finish this project, I’ll give you more details on it but the general plan is that this will be joined by 12 more colours (24 total), yes, I know you only see 7 here but the other yarn isn’t squared yet, and become a blanket and more baby socks.

Also in Wool is the beautiful Intentions yarn that I have been spinning and thinking through.  This project became so much more than I thought it would and while life got in the way and derailed my plans for doing the project in a year, I am so happy to still be working through it.

   

This is Patience and is perfect for the lesson that I am learning.  Thats part of what makes me love my Intentions project.  Though it is nothing like I planned, it is exactly what I needed and has been fitting into my life exactly as I needed it.

The Garden:

6 years ago, I made a plan.  I wanted a herb garden in a strawberry pot.  I knew I wanted rosemary on top, cilantro (coriander), dill, thyme, marjoram, oregano, chives and sage, all the herbs I love to use, in the pockets.  The only problem was that I was living remotely and the getting of said pot, herbs and soil was an insurmountable challenge due to cost and logistics.  Since then I haven’t lived long enough in a big enough town to have my dreamed of herb garden.

Until now.

I can not tell you how happy it makes me to have this wee garden.  Something that I have wanted for ages is finally mine and just the thought of it makes me smile.  And salivate because I can’t wait to use the herbs along the way.

I also planted Orange mint and Spearmint with a Chamomile between them:And two of a crazy plant that I couldn’t resist because of my love of and for them:

Artichokes.

Swimming:

In other parts of life, I have gotten back into running almost by force.  I say “force” but what I really mean is that I registered for the Rhody run (12k) on May 20th, the Seattle 10k at the end of August (again) AND the Seattle Half Marathon the Sunday after Thanksgiving and if I don’t “get back into running” then the registration monies go down the toilet and I embarrass myself when I try to complete any or all of these events.  So running it is and I feel great doing it.  Makes me wonder why I was foolish to ever let myself stop.

In all parts of life…I feel like I am…getting there.

Emotionally.  Physically.  Mentally.

I’m not quite sure where “there” is but, as always,

“It is the Journey, Not the Destination”.

 

 

 

Healing: Regeneration of the body, mind or spirit.

To risk a “Duh” statement; Healing is a part of growth.

Healing is necessary to…fix…whatever has been broken.

Make it, whatever ‘it’ may be, better, faster, stronger,

 

more resilient, educated, wiser,

practised, skilled, educated,

regenerated, restored, and meliorated.

Healing is as intentional as unintentional; more so, if you think about it.

People ‘fade’ pretty darn fast when they ‘have lost the will to live’.

Your body will fix itself if given the chance and the right medicines,

but no medicine in the world can really ‘fix’ your emotions and no time can heal your heart if you don’t let it.

If you chose to hold on to an emotional hurt it becomes a festering sore that will eventually seep into every pore of your life and poison all the good things.

An Intentional Healing as a part of life is not about “forgive and forget” because if to truly heal you must have learned and grown from the experience and gotten better because of it;

though the “better” part may be hard to see in your immediate healing aftermath.

Take the time to look at your own hurts and where you need to heal today.

In the spinning of Healing, I know that I did and I feel better because of it.

I’m healing too.

 

 

Intentions:

Fertility: Paving the way for new ideas, new life and new creation.

Started in April, Fertility seemed to have quite apropriate timing for its journey thru my fingers, wheel and mind.

 

Nelson Lagoon was starting to show signs of thawing as I finished and I was germinating ideas of my new life at the same time.

 

After “resting” for nearly 4 months before plying since I ply when I only have one bobbin left so there is generally a few days of ‘plying party’ in Chez Sisu which, as it happens, also included a huge move, it seemed odd to be thinking again about fertility.

And then I remembered…growth is always.  My growth is continual.

When I spun this yarn, I was living in my own house in Nelson Lagoon Alaska working as a Community Health Aide and it was April.

When I plied this yarn it was July, I was living in Hoquiam Washington with M and his mom and working at figuring out what the heck I was going to do next.

As I write this post it is November, I am living in our own apartment in Port Townsend Washington and I am working as a Certified Nurses Aide.

The only constant IS change and there will always be new ideas, new life and new creation…as long as we are willing to look for that other road…which may or may not be paved.

Not that that makes much difference in the end because there are always going to be bumps, wrong turns, U-Turns, stops, starts and going the wrong way on a one way, paving or no.

But the point is we have to be open to the idea for the newness of things,

for the possibility of change,

for the discovery of new passions and dislikes,

for life to stop being something that is happening and that we are living through and start being something that we are doing and that we are living.

For the growth that is essential to life itself to take place.

My hope for myself and for you?

Be ever changing.

Be growing.

Be fertile.

This whole ‘work hours warp’ is still getting the best of me.  I work the evening shift, from 2-10pm and that means that 2 main things are out of whack for me.

#1:  “Lunch is Dinner”
Since I only get half hour ‘lunch’ break while working and that generally comes between 4 and 6pm, if I get it at all, I don’t really have time to have a real meal.  One of the most important parts of my day is having a meal with M, knowing that I’ve made this lovely, healthy, nutritious meal for us…so that means that I make our big meal lunch.  Since its more healthy to have a large meal earlier in the day than later in the evening, this is a good thing.

#2: Time in general
General Poll:  Who goes to bed within an hour of getting off of work?  Yeah, me neither.

I get done with work and get home between 1030 and 11pm and then spend the next 2-3 hours decompressing and relaxing and chatting with M.  That means that I don’t get to bed before midnight any night of the week because I have to TRY to keep some semblance of routine in my scheduled life.  I also am a morning person so that means, being sick with a cold notwithstanding, I am fully awake and up by 830am.  That would be the time for coffee and BBC world news podcast.  And food needs to be on the table by 1230 so I can relax and eat and get out the door by 140 so I am planning a full dinner at the midnight previous and getting things moving by 10am, a scant 2-3 hours after getting up.  Somewhere in there I also try to get in 30 minutes of running (though not as faithfully as I intend to), knitting on various projects and, oh yes, spinning time too.  The best time for the knitting is in the mornings and the spinning is the evenings and in between cooking and laundry and cleaning, it all gets worked on.  Except for the blog.

But here is a photo list of what I’m working on!

Socks for M.  In Boy Colours.  In Aran weight yarn.  On 3’s. Because a knitters man always has substantially bigger feet than the knitter herself.

This first sock is toe up and the plan is for me to knit until there is 50g of yarn left and then do the second.  Hopefully this works as a plan but I have a call out on Ravelry for a second skein of this colourway (Jarbo Garn Raggi in 1580) so hopefully the de-stasher will get back to me soon!  In the meantime though, I bought some more boy colours too:

   

A vest for myself, which, despite making calculations to get the fit right, I totally made it too big.  So it may be a Christmas gift so I shan’t give more detailed photos than this.

My second attempt at Nanny Ogg Mittens (real name: Hedgehog Mittens by Spilly Jane who blogs here)  You can see my first attempt over here but, I’m warning you, it isn’t pretty.

I’m liking this second attempt much more than the first and I’m actually using two solid yarns and the pattern as written (to a point) this time.  Not that those are connected at all.  Ahem.

My Rimefrost socks using Fiesta Baby Boom in Arctic.  Yes, I know they haven’t gotten very far yet but I can only do one charted knitting pattern at a time without madness ensuing and I need warm hands more than new socks so the mittens come first and the socks wait their turn.  Not too long if last years attempt at the Nanny Mittens are anything to go by!

There also has been some spinning going on and I do promise that I will update you as to my progress thru the Intentions line.  I bought some beautiful merino, alpaca, silk/bamboo blend on Friday that is singing its sirens song (along with much more of my other stash) and I want to move into a new project soon but I am dedicated to my Intentions and give that my focus.

I’m on to ‘Joy’ now and am remembering the joy that spinning gives me and being mindful of all the joy I have in my life.

I know that I am blessed and hope you feel the same way today and everyday.

 

Where Oh Where does the time go?

I had intended to write about…oh, so many things…Like:

How my tattoo has meaning for me.  The 6 stars are for the 60lbs I’ve lost forever with the teal being me and the pink being Melinda, my best buddy in Nelson Lagoon, who worked and ran with me and lost nearly 40 herself!  We totally did it together and it is a perfect reminder.  No, I will not have any removed if I gain weight…for starters because I have a lower goal in mind and want to add at least 1, maybe 2 more stars.

 

How I was very excited for the Pasta Dash on Saturday…but its a good thing that I didn’t write about it then because I would have had to write a “I’m so silly” post because it wasn’t held on Saturday the 6th, it is later on today, Saturday the 13th.  Duh.  Which gave me an extra week to train but also an extra week to fret about it…and I am.  Not that I don’t think that I can do it….at least, not really…its more about this being my FIRST race.  My first real run with a crowd of people, many of whom will be faster than me, and I will be amongst them trying not to get stepped on or in the way and just running my own race and trying not to get lost or go out too fast.  Because I know that I am only racing against myself and only getting a number from it all…my baseline for future races…which I am already signed up for 🙂  The Seattle Marathon 10k is on 8/27 and the Seattle Iron Girl 10k is on 9/11 AND the Pt Defiance 50K is on 10/15 and then there is also the Seattle Marathon on 11/27 🙂  Oh yes, my race card is filling up and I love every mile of it.  Running is a challenge and a push and I love the way it makes me feel from start to finish.  I can’t wait to see where it takes me.

 

How I am so involved with my new training course that between that learning and the running, I am so tired every night that I’m going to bed early and sleeping hard.  I really enjoy learning how to be a CNA (Certified Nurses Aide) and think that its a great step to future employment and further education.  I have 2 weeks of clinical rotation coming up and am very excited to get on the floor and get practicing for real.  Also in the “training course” mode, my own studies to become a Personal Trainer are going really well too.  Most of it is common sense so I am focusing on the biomechanics at the moment and thanking heaven for my Physiology classes because I know the muscles and this is more review not learning!

 

How all of a sudden I am realising that I have less than 2 weeks to spin 24 ounces of fiber in a thoughtful manner.  Um, No.  There is no possible way that I can be thoughtful and insightful and reflexive with a deadline such as that.  How I was starting to feel like a major failure that I hadn’t accomplished my goal and I had a whole year to do it, what was wrong with me that I couldn’t even see through this one little project, should I even be thinking about starting another project because, obviously, I can’t seem to see even a simple one thru to the end and I am certainly not getting a Matchless for my birthday because I haven’t spent any time at my wheel in the past few weeks…

And then I remembered to breath and that my Intentions project is an INTENTION, my determination to act in a specific way, to think in a specific way, and I realised that I AM doing just that and I HAVE been doing it, just not while in front of my wheel.  I still have Creative Inspiration to be spun but there is less than an ounce left and it was the inspiration for creativity that has gotten me out and away from the wheel in the first place!  I wanted to be creative and see where my body would take me.  I wanted to be creative and see where my mind and passions would take me…so I put those wants into actions and am doing the above.

And then I realised that all of the stress that I was giving myself was not really about my Intentions deadline at all…it was about my birthday.  I felt such dread on the first that I avoided the computer all together just so I wouldnt have to write a post about there being only 28 days left.  I have hidden behind “training”, both work and physical, to an extreme that I have just enough energy to get up, run, go to class, come home and make dinner and sit for an hour afterwards (I slept 11 hours on Wednesday night FPS!), so I can avoid blogging.  I have resisted looking at my 101 in 1001 list just because I don’t want to see the list of things that I wrote for myself, despite knowing that a LOT of those things were unreasonably written due to time, moving and just plain lack of interest.  I have resisted talking about “birthday plans” with M because I feel like I have accomplished nothing in the past 30 years.

And then, I realise how silly I sound.  How I am making a big deal out of something very small and that, while 30 is a big birthday, it is only a number.  I feel so much better at nearly 30 than I did at nearly 15, 20, 25 or even 28.  That while I don’t have the life I imagined I would laying on my bed as a naive teenager/20-something, I have one that is filled with a hell of a lot more adventures and excitement (including the ‘boring’ knitting/spinning bits!).  That I am happier with who I am than ever before.  That I am happier with where I have been than I ever thought I would be.  That I am happier with my outlook for the future, foggy though it may be, than ever before.

 

How I have to keep reminding myself of that last paragraph over and over because I am nothing if not tenacious…with a slight bit of tedious thrown in there for excitement and need to remind myself.

 

How I found a wonderfully inspiring quote the other day:  “The difference between determination and stubbornness is that one comes from a strong will and the other from a strong won’t.”

And how I have to decide each day which I will have and how I will choose to live that day.

A SisuGirl indeed.

 

Sometimes, I swear, this blog writes itself.

Other times I realise that its been over a week without posting and that I have these millions of thoughts and ideas and

wanttogetthemoutbuthavenoideawheretostartsoI

justhavetositandstarttypingbeforeIexplode….

Lets start with our visitors, shall we?

Right now, Mike and I are living with his mom in Hoquiam, WA.  Its a quiet place that is very laid-back with very little really going on but for me in my transition time, this is perfect.  I still feel a bit overwhelmed at the grocery store but I’m getting to feel more secure and less…explode-y…around large groups of people who I don’t know.  One of my favourite things about being here though is that there are trees and forest just within reach.  A short drive or hecl, even a walk puts us into undeveloped lands which brings me to our visitors.  In most every North American city you will find cousins of my visitors, officially named Procyon lotor but more commonly known as…

Raccoons.

We first met one afternoon when I was washing dishes and happened to look up and see the stripy tail poking out at me from under the bush.  Lucky for me, this one waited for me to dry my hands and grab my camera before turning to face me for a while.  After a snack of bird food, ring-tail wandered away and the dogs were intensely interested in that area when they went out for potty-breaks.

And then a few weeks went by and there was next to no sign of them…

and then they came back…

with babies…

My poor Sisu has been going crazy trying to figure out how to deal with these invaders, especially since Mamma Coon has an extreme aversion to having her babies smelled by the ‘Su.  She managed to tree a litter of 3 in the backyard a few days ago and couldn’t decided who was of more interest, Mamma Coon on the other side of a fence or Coon Kits up in the tree.  I helped a bit by ‘watching’ (photographing) the kits while she barked at a ticked-off Mamma but sadly none of those shots came out and retreat was the only sane course of action.  The next day a different Mamma came through the front yard with her two kits and stopped just alongside the driveway for a photo opp.  I got within 5′ and snapped about 20 shots before, with little discussion…

they wandered off to go be raccoons.

Remember last week when I told you about the Romedale X roving I just bought

and how touching it and seeing it made me want to pull out my wheel and spin RIGHTNOW?

Well, I did unpack my wheel and I did start spinning this last week but the best laid plans vague ideas of mice and Tashies oft go awry…so its no surprise that this one did too!

I had fully intended on finishing Intentions: Hope and then beginning this lovely Romedale.

Yeah…No.

Well, I did finish the I: Hope but then I was completely called Inspired by Intentions: Inspiration

   

You can see that ‘Hope’ is there on the top left and sadly, that is the only photo I have of it in progress.  Ah well, there is always the plying to photograph and trust me, the plying will come soon.

Fertility and Healing have been “resting” for a while now so they are in perfect shape to N-ply*first and second and by that time Hope will be ready to go and then Inspiration!

Which only leaves me with Joy, Love, Patience, Peace, Perseverance and Strength to go…

And just 6 weeks to go until my 30th birthday.  Holy Crickets.

We won’t talk about that right now…lets talk about another looming deadline, my 101 in 1001.

Ok, lets no look too hard at that list because it shows a bit too much of my delusional side…but lets focus on #34: Run 2-5k’s

Now, I’ve run 3.1 miles before…I’ve even run 6.2 (10k) but never in a real race with official sign-ups or anything.

And here is where my Intentions: Inspiration came in because I was totally inspired to make the leap and sign up for my first official run.

The Pasta Dash begins August 7th at 6pm at the Olympia Farmers Market and if you’re free, I’d love a cheering section and I’m sure Mike would love your company!

To show further proof of my insanity, I’ll tell you about the other races that I’m thinking about:

Seattle Marathon 10k August 27th

Iron Girl Seattle 10k September 11th

Seattle Marathon Half Marathon November 27th

(Yes, the SM 10K is in August and the Marathon itself is in November; No, I have no idea why)

I’m really wondering if I can do a 10K before my birthday though.  I need to get out onto the track and see how I do and if I would be able to train fully for a 10 k in 5 weeks…any one out there have advice?  I’d appreciate it!

* You have to** let your single rest for a while on the bobbin before plying (twisting it with itself or another piece of wool) or else it can be too twisty and kink up while you try to ply.  This leads to much cursing and possibly tears.  Since, while N-plying, you are only working with the one single and forming a chain ply, I find that the more rest and relaxation the single has to “know” its new twisted form, the better I am able to ply sans cursing.

** “Have to” is totally negotiable.  I know people who ‘always’ and people who ‘never’ rest before plying.  For me, I “Have To” when it comes of Navajo/Chain plying but its negotiable for everything else.


I LOVE radio and it has been one of those things that I have very much missed while living in rural Alaska.  Mike and I have had quite a lot of drive time lately…2 hours from the airport, 8-10 hours to and from his dad, 4 hours round-trip to my Uncle and Aunt, and numerous short shopping and sightseeing car rides.  I’ve seen some beautiful country that I will be posting photos of soon and we have had lots of great conversation but one of the best parts of the mileage is the XM radio.  There are songs that I like, songs that I dislike, songs that I know, songs that I’ve only heard 3 lines of the chorus of before that I finally heard in entirety and then there are songs that I absolutely LOVE.  One of them is “Riptide” by Sick Puppies.  Though I know nothing of the band or their other songs, I know how much this song resonates with me.  The chorus and second verse is:

*******

I, I won’t justify
The way I live my life
‘Cause I’m the one livin’ it
Feelin’ it, tastin’ it
And you’re just wasting your time
Trying to throw me a line
When you’re the one drowning
I like where I’m at on my back
Floating down in my own riptide
The water is fine

I like to step on cracks
I go against the odds
You think my world is flat
Do I turn you on?
Maybe, yeah I’m wrong
But I like where I’m going
I leave when others stay
I never re-decide
I don’t mind if you wait
But I don’t waste my time
Crazy is just fine
‘Cause I like where I’m going

I, I won’t justify
The way I live my life
‘Cause I’m the one livin’ it
Feelin’ it, tastin’ it
And you’re just wasting your time
Trying to throw me a line
When you’re the one drowning
I like where I’m at on my back
Floating down in my own riptide
The water is fine
******

Oh how I wish I had my spinning wheel to hand because this song fits perfectly with my Intentional living.  Listening and singing along helps me remember that I’m where I am because of my decisions; conscious, well-thought decisions that I do not regret or wish to do differently; and that I am nowhere near floundering or drowning in my time of unknowing but I need to relax, lay back and stop struggling in my uncertainty and enjoy floating in my own riptide.  Like always, it will be one hell of a ride.

Hope is important.  In my life, it is the hope for a more beautiful tomorrow that really keeps me going.  That is not to say that today isn’t wonderful and brilliant but, if you think about it and for me, every ‘next day’ IS more beautiful than the last simply because it is the next and holds all sorts of untold and potentially amazing adventures.  Of course, it could also be rather bland but that is OK too.

 

Someday soon I am going to have to track down exactly when I became such a Pollyanna…I’m becoming annoyed with me.

 

The past two weeks for me have been about my hope for a future out of Nelson Lagoon.  Not that this place and the people here are not beautiful and perfect for what and who they are…they are, for certain, and I will love and miss them each in their own ways.  But there is something calling me…

And that voice always means one thing for certain:

Packing.

Ok, so this isnt my ideal amount of “stuff” but bear with me here since one of the green and one of the grey are Ms’ leftovers so those don’t even count!  The others are mine though and I claim them 🙂  One grey is linens…2 sets of sheets, a quilt and a duvet.

One of the green is books, a few fiction that I adore, cookbooks that get a weekly if not daily workout and knitting books that I refuse to live without.  I had a few others packed for sentimental reasons but have decided to share them.  Whats the point of a great book if you hide it?

The blue has two suitcases in it and those have my shoes, dress clothes and my sleeping bag.  Those things cannot be pared any more…I’m already sending shoes to my mum!

The other green has food stuffs that would not be easy to re-buy.  Most are specialty from the UK so are totally worth the shipping charge.  Also in the box are my kitchen utensils that I really love and don’t want to re-buy, my mugs that are special to me and the flatware of my childhood.

The last grey is my fragile box.  Inside are glass balls and Marsali…both packed with copious amounts of egg carton foam and bubble-wrap that I virtuously left un-popped.  There are also my framed prints and Christmas decorations.  Since there are only 2 prints and I have just a small tree with only lights and no decorations, I don’t feel the need to pare there either.

Left to be packed?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just a few bags and skeins of fiber-y goodness 🙂  Honestly though, those become the “packing material” for my wheel.  I never have been more grateful that I kept a box in my life.  The wheel fits in and all the contents of those totes go-round and keep each other safe during shipping.  Yes, I insure the box heavily…after a quick inventory, I have well over $700 in spinning fiber alone and most of those are unrepeatable colours.  This doesn’t even cover the yarns so yes, there is major insurance.  I also insure the computer box, another box that I am glad I kept (but I knew that I would be moving when I bought it so I kept it on purpose) and, for the first time, I am insuring a separate tote because that will have my laptop in it, along with other odds and ends.  Those things will go out on Tuesday the 7th.

Finally left?  My backpack with clothes and Sisu with her kennel.  I know that I can’t manage her kennel, her on a leash AND a suitcase AND a carry-on so I’m down to my red backpack as a carry on (complete with Kindle, iPod and knitting) and my large backpack as my luggage.  When I get off the plane in Anchorage I can zip-tie one backpack t’other and Roberts my mothers brother!  Hand free to leash the Su’ and manage the unwieldy kennel.

So where does “Hope” come in?

I hope I can get thru Intentions: “Hope” before I have to pack my wheel.

I hope that I haven’t overlooked something key.

I hope that, while leaving my buddy is painful, the inspiration of my own possibilities carries me thru.

I hope that I remember that the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t really a train, though I may feel like I’ve been hit by one.

I dwell in Hope…

Always.

Intentions Faith:  Trusting that there is something greater than yourself at work in your life.

I don’t doubt this for a second and I honestly can say that I never have.  I know that there is something larger than myself working on my path and that is why I can look behind me and see how everything has fallen neatly into place.  Granted, there have been more than one occasion when I have wondered where I was going or if my navigator had turned the map wrong-side up…but I have never doubted that there was a path for me to take and that eventually it would become clear to me.  Hindsight being 20/20 and all that, it would just take a little while before I could see the reasons for whatever was going on.

Does this mean that I am not responsible for where I am going and the happenings along the way?  Oh hell no.  Of course I am responsible for every twist and turn!  Each step is my own and I take those steps.  I liken it to visiting the opthamoligist…

“Is it better one or two?

“Two”

“Two or three”

“Three”

“Three or Four?”

“Again please?”

“Three or…”

“Three”

Each selection is completely my own but it is that greater power that is turning the knobs helping ME to dial in my best outcome.  Sure, s/he is the doctor and s/he writes the words on the paper that become my lenses but without me saying ‘A is better than B’…well, I would be well and truly blind and there wouldn’t be a thing they could do about it.  I have to make the choices while they are the guide.  Such is the way with my life.

“Go Here or there?”

“There”

“Do this or that?”

“This”

“Have it one way or another?”

“Again please?”

And so it goes and has always gone.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:

“I’ve never failed at anything.”

I’m nowhere near the path that I thought or intended to be on but, in hindsight, that is a darn good thing because the journey I am taking is far beyond anything that I would have ever imagined.

But still…

Despite my knowing this, I’m still scared of what the future may hold.

Of taking that next big step with my partner.

Of the reflection in the mirror of this stranger.

And then a flash of teal catches my eye…and I remember who I am.

Who I have always been.

Will always be.

SisuGirl

A woman with the courage to keep making paths and plans for herself despite the fact that she has never set a foot on a set path or done anything “planned”.

A woman who has the faith that something greater is working in her life and that someday she’ll be able to look back and realise how it all beautifully fell into place.

“Every man is the maker of his own fortune”*

And this SisuGirl will not only plan her next adventure but continue to remember that when it doesn’t work the way she planned that it was not a failure but just a piece in the puzzle and someway I’ll see the whole picture for the masterpiece that it is.

*Motto of The Duke of Sto Helit (Mort‘s predecessor…literally), the Latatian Phrase of the title and not a bad thing to remember in general.