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I cooked for myself last night. This is pretty good news, considering how blue I have been the last few days… Black dog came home, and cooking is the self-love I need but often t…

Source: Self-Love Stew (VEGAN)

 

I needed to see this.

A reminder for Self-Love.

Today.

Tomorrow.

This week.

This last week.

I know that Jack posted it back at the beginning of August but for me, right here and now, it is what I needed.

Body and Soul and Soup.

Depression is a black hole that eats away at me and sometimes I can resist the pull, I find the light and other times…

Other times I fail.

I fail.

Its taken me years to be able to say that.

I, who feel deeply that I have NEVER “failed” at anything in life, feel like I have failed myself.  And it brings me to tears as I type.

I want so much for myself; know that I am so capable of making the best of myself and that my best isn’t this lump of a person sitting here with welling eyes.

Today is especially painful because it symbolizes a waste.  A waste of my time, of my energy and least important of all, of money.

Over the last year I have done very little physical and both physically and mentally I have suffered for it.  Yes, I begun playing hockey and I love it but I could be so much better with a little more effort.  My trousers no longer fit the way they should and I honestly have a box of clothing that live in the spare room; banished for my own folly.  I have running clothes I feel horrible about wearing because they don’t fit but they don’t fit because I won’t put them on…a vicious cycle if ever there was.  I made plans, public statements that I intended to “streak” this holiday season; a 1 mile run every day from Thanksgiving to New Years; and I failed right out of the gate because I failed to do anything. I just…couldn’t.  Early this morning there were two people standing in the Seattle Half Marathon starting line because I encouraged them to join me there and I couldn’t show.  The part of me that wanted someones else to join me in the training journey, to go thru the ups and downs of milage building and physical challenge was just not enough to actually get myself moving.  I have plans, small, manageable plans, to have helped me reach that goal but I just… couldn’t.

And thats the worst part of depression.  The feeling that I just…can’t and not having the words to explain it.  So I put on the happy face and do my best to function without outwardly failing.  I bury myself in trying to be busy around people so I don’t have to rest and be still and just ‘be’ in my own skin.  I need to leave family gatherings early because I cannot deal with the stress, my internal stress, of being around people being happy when I feel so very lost.  I try not to let my friends down and deal with the fallout when they think that somehow my actions are a reflection of their shortcomings instead of a true reflection of my own.  I cry in the shower, both for the fatigue I feel of carrying my mask and for the love I have when my partner sees that I am bearing too much inside and makes my excuses or makes one of himself.

Oddly appropriately to the season that my inspiration today will come from a holiday movie.  “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” was not part of my childhood movie rotation but it was for M and when it was on TV the other evening, he hinted that he would rather watch that over the Grinch.  As we own both movies and I know it irks him when I recite, I obliged and Mickey Rooney’s voice filled our home. M said that he really remembered a specific song, One Foot In Front Of The Other and as I think I’ve only seen the movie once, I had to wait to see and hear what he meant.  It too was something I needed to hear.

I made soup already this morning, one close to Jacks recipe without even seeing her post, so out the door I go.

One foot in front of the other,

my vote for a chance to be reborn.

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In the pre-dawn glow we prepare for a run…

Yesterday was the start of the new year and, not entirely coincidentally, the start of my new 101 in 1001 list.  I spent the last few days and hours of 2014 honing my list and a good chink of the first day of  2015 clarifying, editing and finally writing it to number. I was surprised when the tally came up and I had more than 101 but then I realized that I had spread some things out because I feared being short.  Apparently not!

One of the biggest things on my list was influenced by my Mum and Brother, K.  Both of them thanked me for my Christmas cards but chastised me for not sending pictures of myself and/or, as Mum put it, ‘your adventures’.  I realized that this has been a big failing over these past 2 years and I have missed blogging and ‘adventuring’ so I am getting myself back out there; with pictures to prove it.  My Flickr feed will have more updates and so will the blog, especially since I am going to attempt the 365 Challenge: A photo a day for an entire year.

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The dawn of 2015, Port Townsend and I. Ready for the new year with all the sisu in the world. The real Sisu too…she’s further down the trail!

Which leads me to my Goal for 2015.  My Goal, earning itself the proper “G”, is “Challenge”  In the spirit of this, I am challenging myself to many things and hopefully setting myself up for great success.  I have two year long challenges right now: Project 365 and the 52 Week Savings Challenge.

Project 365 is going to be both simple and difficult because its not just about taking a photo but taking a good one that is also meaningful.  My plan to tackle that is to not only take my phone with me but also plan on bringing my DSLR too when out and about.  There are many, many lists out there for all the ways to “do” this challenge and lots of ways to spark an idea of what to shoot too so I don’t think that I will be lost for inspiration!  Check out Pinterest for a plethora of ideas and challenges for every month…I know that I will!

The 52 Week Saving Challenge is just what it sounds like: saving money every week in proportion to the number week that it is.  Now, you can go about this challenge only one of two ways:  $1 on week 1, $2 on week 2, $3 on week 3 and so on for 52 weeks OR $52 on week 1, $51 on week 2, $50 on week 3 and so on and the latter is the method that I have chosen to do.  Why that way?  Well, even in this spend, spend, spend culture, you can still find some places with better interest rates than others and they are worth searching out.  I like Ally Bank and am quite happy with them.  And think about it: after three weeks, I have $153+ change in my account this way.  The other way I would have $6.  I’ll take the one that looks better, faster please.  Plus, I started this challenge back on the 20th of November because I realized that it would be lovely to have at least $1378 to go into the holiday season with…or travel with!  Here is the site that I got the graphic for my countdown/up that I have hanging to help me keep track of the dates and how its going without the temptation of dipping into the account.

I have other challenges too.  Right off the batt: I am challenging myself to stick with my Smart Coach plan every day for the 24 weeks up to my next marathon, challenging myself to plank for 30 days with each day building time and challenging myself to another round of the Whole 30: 30 days of only fresh fruit and veggies and meats – No dairy, grains, legumes, sugar or alcohol.

Pray for me friends.  January is going to be tough.  And pray for yourselves too…I may be tough to live with as I attempt this!