Where Oh Where does the time go?
I had intended to write about…oh, so many things…Like:
How my tattoo has meaning for me. The 6 stars are for the 60lbs I’ve lost forever with the teal being me and the pink being Melinda, my best buddy in Nelson Lagoon, who worked and ran with me and lost nearly 40 herself! We totally did it together and it is a perfect reminder. No, I will not have any removed if I gain weight…for starters because I have a lower goal in mind and want to add at least 1, maybe 2 more stars.
How I was very excited for the Pasta Dash on Saturday…but its a good thing that I didn’t write about it then because I would have had to write a “I’m so silly” post because it wasn’t held on Saturday the 6th, it is later on today, Saturday the 13th. Duh. Which gave me an extra week to train but also an extra week to fret about it…and I am. Not that I don’t think that I can do it….at least, not really…its more about this being my FIRST race. My first real run with a crowd of people, many of whom will be faster than me, and I will be amongst them trying not to get stepped on or in the way and just running my own race and trying not to get lost or go out too fast. Because I know that I am only racing against myself and only getting a number from it all…my baseline for future races…which I am already signed up for 🙂 The Seattle Marathon 10k is on 8/27 and the Seattle Iron Girl 10k is on 9/11 AND the Pt Defiance 50K is on 10/15 and then there is also the Seattle Marathon on 11/27 🙂 Oh yes, my race card is filling up and I love every mile of it. Running is a challenge and a push and I love the way it makes me feel from start to finish. I can’t wait to see where it takes me.
How I am so involved with my new training course that between that learning and the running, I am so tired every night that I’m going to bed early and sleeping hard. I really enjoy learning how to be a CNA (Certified Nurses Aide) and think that its a great step to future employment and further education. I have 2 weeks of clinical rotation coming up and am very excited to get on the floor and get practicing for real. Also in the “training course” mode, my own studies to become a Personal Trainer are going really well too. Most of it is common sense so I am focusing on the biomechanics at the moment and thanking heaven for my Physiology classes because I know the muscles and this is more review not learning!
How all of a sudden I am realising that I have less than 2 weeks to spin 24 ounces of fiber in a thoughtful manner. Um, No. There is no possible way that I can be thoughtful and insightful and reflexive with a deadline such as that. How I was starting to feel like a major failure that I hadn’t accomplished my goal and I had a whole year to do it, what was wrong with me that I couldn’t even see through this one little project, should I even be thinking about starting another project because, obviously, I can’t seem to see even a simple one thru to the end and I am certainly not getting a Matchless for my birthday because I haven’t spent any time at my wheel in the past few weeks…
And then I remembered to breath and that my Intentions project is an INTENTION, my determination to act in a specific way, to think in a specific way, and I realised that I AM doing just that and I HAVE been doing it, just not while in front of my wheel. I still have Creative Inspiration to be spun but there is less than an ounce left and it was the inspiration for creativity that has gotten me out and away from the wheel in the first place! I wanted to be creative and see where my body would take me. I wanted to be creative and see where my mind and passions would take me…so I put those wants into actions and am doing the above.
And then I realised that all of the stress that I was giving myself was not really about my Intentions deadline at all…it was about my birthday. I felt such dread on the first that I avoided the computer all together just so I wouldnt have to write a post about there being only 28 days left. I have hidden behind “training”, both work and physical, to an extreme that I have just enough energy to get up, run, go to class, come home and make dinner and sit for an hour afterwards (I slept 11 hours on Wednesday night FPS!), so I can avoid blogging. I have resisted looking at my 101 in 1001 list just because I don’t want to see the list of things that I wrote for myself, despite knowing that a LOT of those things were unreasonably written due to time, moving and just plain lack of interest. I have resisted talking about “birthday plans” with M because I feel like I have accomplished nothing in the past 30 years.
And then, I realise how silly I sound. How I am making a big deal out of something very small and that, while 30 is a big birthday, it is only a number. I feel so much better at nearly 30 than I did at nearly 15, 20, 25 or even 28. That while I don’t have the life I imagined I would laying on my bed as a naive teenager/20-something, I have one that is filled with a hell of a lot more adventures and excitement (including the ‘boring’ knitting/spinning bits!). That I am happier with who I am than ever before. That I am happier with where I have been than I ever thought I would be. That I am happier with my outlook for the future, foggy though it may be, than ever before.
How I have to keep reminding myself of that last paragraph over and over because I am nothing if not tenacious…with a slight bit of tedious thrown in there for excitement and need to remind myself.
How I found a wonderfully inspiring quote the other day: “The difference between determination and stubbornness is that one comes from a strong will and the other from a strong won’t.”
And how I have to decide each day which I will have and how I will choose to live that day.
A SisuGirl indeed.