Once, a long, long time ago…

(Ok, so it was only 2007…)

I began knitting a shawl.

January 25th, 2007.  The Pacific Northwest Shawl in Schaefer Anne that I bought from the Loopy Ewe.

 

From February until July 2008, I had a love/hate relationship with lace.  When I moved to Anchorage, the shawl and the headache that was the scallop shell edging stayed behind in Southeast.

 

Mid-August 2008, the chapter of love came to an end.  I didn’t think about the shawl.

 

May 1st, 2009, I moved to Nelson Lagoon…200+ miles away from the mountains and trees that I had knit into the shawl.  I decided to reclaim the beauty of the yarn and the pattern as my own.  No longer would it be a shawl with meaning but just a shawl of amazing beauty, knit with my own two hands.

 

June 13th, 2009, I finished the shawl.

I love the colour of the yarn.  The pattern is beautiful.  The knitting is nearly perfect, with a few flaws…much like the knitter herself.  I am so very proud of me.

 

February 14th, 2011

For the past 18 months since I finished the shawl, it has sat in my bedside drawer.  

I love it.  It is beautiful.  I am so amazed at my skill as a knitter that I could create something this beautiful and enveloping.

However…I have never been able to wear the shawl without feeling a)hateful, b)sad and c) resentful.

I put so many hours into something that would never be worn for its original intention and that made me both angry and sad and angry again because I was sad.  I tried to reclaim the amazingness as something that was a work of love of myself but despite all my best effort, all I could feel was resentment because it was always a reminder of a very specific life path.

I had no desire to have this beautiful piece of work, what was to be a wedding shawl, laying wadded in a drawer  because of sadness, resentment and hate.

So in my final act of love with this shawl, I frogged it.

It is because my love of myself and M’s love of me that I was able to do this.  I know that I am worth spending hundreds of hours on something that is amazing and beautiful and in all my favourite colours.

I’ll reclaim “The World of the Sea” as my own and set sail with no more tangible ties what was and knit myself a new future with an amazing man whos love made it not only possible but completely painless to pull back 17 months of my life.  I want to be able to wrap myself in a shawl that reminds me of our love; amazing, breathtaking, beautiful and full of my favourite things.  A physical reminder of the warmth that he helps kindle from within me, that his words fan and create in me a flame of love…even when he takes me up a river and away from the sea.

Maybe I’ll rename the yarn, “The World of the Yukon”…

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