Sometimes its the search tags that bring people to my blog that bring me the most joy and the above title is a fantastic example of that! I dont know how but I had 4 people find my blog by searching with those words together. Kinda makes me wonder…
Alternate title for this post? Connection #1
I think there’s some connection between absolute discipline and absolute freedom. ~Alan Rickman
Most interestingly, there has been no spinning of Intentions: Connection roving in this past week.
Really, I meant to and had all, pardon the pun, intentions to do so, but it just didnt happen because somethings else got in the way. Somethings that really belie the connection that I want to establish and culture for the future.
I knit Hanukkah presents for M’s kids and to me, this was establishing a connection that was far above anything else that I could have meditated on whilst treadling at the wheel. There eventually will be a time when these children are going to be a part of my family and I will be a part of theirs and it is in the making of these simple gifts that I wanted to start building that connection. I made the hats in only a few days apiece and I love them and will make more of this pattern, Sakura by David Castillo, for others in the future.
But it was the knitting of them that really impacted me. Hats are simple, easy even and Davids pattern, though beautiful at the crown, is mind-numbing like all 2×2 ribbing always is. What was it that made these hats special and have an impact on me? It was that I was knitting them for 2 very special people who I have never had the pleasure of meeting but who I very much want to know and want them to know me because I love their father. I thought about how, though we will be across the country from each other, I still want to be a part of their lives despite the distance. I thought about how old they may be before I finally meet them or how long it will be before we can make that trip. There are so many unknowns but there is one certainty; I WANT to have a connection with these amazing children, M’s children, and to me, knitting is my highest expression of love and connection.
Now, let me tell you what kind of special hell that was. I HATE with every fibre of my being, and that is a lot of fibre, let me tell you, sewing on snaps. Not only do you have to measure and mark each and every one but there are 2 to each snap. I sewed on 24 snap pairs which means 48 times I had to measure, pin, tack, sew, knot, cut and start again. It took me 3 nights. Yes, 3 whole evenings to do all that because there is only so much time one can spend head bent over kitchen table with navy thread sewing black snaps onto navy grosgrain ribbon. But its done and I will never again finish a sweater with snaps, no matter how interesting. A reversible zipper would have suited just fine, thankingyouverymuch.
And on the topic of needing my photographer to return, I have started the countdown for M coming home. While I’ve missed him, I’ve also really enjoyed having time being me. And then it hit me…the only difference between the Me I am when M is here and the Me I am when he is gone is the level of yarn strewn about the house. Well, that and the amount of time that I spend on Facebook trying to keep in touch with someone 4 timezones away! The latter is another form of my connection with M when travelling and my family which is spread helter-skelter across the states. We keep in touch thru phone calls, care packages, cards, emails and most recently, Facebook. Of all things, I think its the Facebook that I can give up the easiest and I really cant wait until I won’t need to log in so often.
Anyway, seeing that me is me, no matter if M is here or not was quite eye opening. It made me feel so much better. See, one of my biggest fears about being in a relationship is that I would lose the part of me that made me me in favor of being ‘a couple’. I’ve had 2 other relationships and it was the first that started teaching me that I could always be myself if my partner loved me for me. In fact, I learned a lot about being me and the things that I like FROM him 🙂 He is still a good friend and someone I trust. The second relationship taught me that I was perfectly fine being “alone” in a relationship while my partner was gone doing his own thing. Yeah, there is the importance of being together, but I was more than wonderful without him…so much so that I think it may have been one of the reasons the relationship ended. Now, with M, we have spent more time apart than we have together but really, its only made things better. We savor every moment that we are together, have little things that we do together but also make us work apart. The connection we have…now that is something to really meditate on. And until the 12th, thats what I’ll be spinning my wheel to.